Friday, May 13, 2011

Prophecies of the Doom Fairy, pt. VII

Astrology for Whores and Hustlers

(4:20 pm, 13th May, 2011)

I’m back!  Being a considerate Canadian, I thought it was only fair to give you lot a break from my disturbingly accurate evil omens.  Break’s over.  It’s like that time Death decided to ride the pink unicorn instead of the undead stallion just to fuck with your mind, for a second there you thought you were going to be just fine. 

Well you’re not but you got some respite coming and I’ll wager most of you will need it.  Soon Taurus will be boss and you will finally get a chance to just lay back and let your breast implants heal.  The next week is an awesome time to not talk to anyone of the opposite sex even though you will most likely be consumed with the desire to do so.  Currently though Venus is in her emo-cutter phase (about a week left of that) and Mars is primarily sitting on his ass eating an all meat diet and smelling like a cheese boutique (oh yes ladies, that’s just began).

Mars is just over the cusp in Venus-ruled Taurus while Venus is still closing the last degrees of Aries hand in hand with Mercury.  Neither has any particular dignity and each rules the other.   There is a fun sexual element to the arrangement, the aggressive feminine and the sensual masculine.  The election definitely favors whores over hustlers for the next week or so and then levels out.  Venus once in Taurus is highly sensual but in a purer sense than the self-afflicted emo-cutter that lives in Aries, the inherent insecurity of Aries-style conquest will become unappealing.  Venus will want friends and lovers, to hold court in the sign of her rulership. 

Tables won’t turn for the hustlers of the world until Jupiter gets its ass into Taurus as well and gets down to the business of turning the last two months of chaos into some fucking bling.  We are a couple of weeks away from that though.  Before that happens the Sun will trip some evil stars and that shit will find its expression in your personal relationships so my advice is to stop cutting yourself, drink some fruit juice and take a long enough shower to wash the gouda off.  Then instead of talking have unrelenting oral sex for the next two and a half weeks.  Without stopping.  

Literally every time you take someone’s genitals out of your mouth and use it to speak something enormously retarded will come out and then you will be punched in the face by an angel.  In lieu of genitals, joints are also recommended but avoid food because you already smell like cheese and also booze because you’re already prone to saying things that are retarded.  

Joints and genitals, trust me.

1 comment:

  1. I wrote a few stories for Chaostar about the Doom Fairy, he was always having trouble with Jack Flash Rabbit and his side kick Sinister Sixx. I'll have to type them in and send them to ya. And the above, awesome, as always. I linked it so I can keep up with now I'm online again.Looking forward to reading the rest :)