Prophecies of the Doom Fairy, pt. IV

Astrology for Whores and Hustlers

(9:30am, March 15^th, 2011)

Uranus is so on my ascendant right now.  It is on that shit like a priest on a 12 year old mute. 

Uranus transited into Aries on the 11^th, the day of the earthquake in Japan.  Bringing it into a whole-sign opposition with Saturn in Libra and a square with Pluto in Capricorn, remember the shit-storm that broke out mid-summer last year?  While easily as intense as the grand cross of that period, this t-square also has a certain permanence that the last did not, this one wants to make lasting changes.

Every month (and right now), as the moon transits her rulership in Cancer she will trigger that grand cross.  This energy will most likely manifest in events with a momentum greater than your own.  It’s not just an earth-shattering earthquake; it’s also a nuclear meltdown three days later.  Any unfinished business you have from the previous months will demand attention at these moments (court dates, etc.), the longer it takes to resolve these issues the worse they will become.

Saturn is retrograding, which is good because it allows us to take the time to work out the kinks in implementing our plans or (more likely), provides us with the time we need to carry them out.  Saturn retrograding is also bad because as it retreats into the earlier degrees of Libra it moves into ever tightening aspect with the aforementioned t-square of shit-disturbing, creating the distinct possibility that it will be in fact, your shit which is disturbed.

So much of the aspect I am talking about is generational with such sweeping overtones, that it’s hard not see it on that scale (if you have an account with Bank of America, I’d maybe switch banks).  The world will not calm down until Saturn has stationed and starts putting some distance between herself and that t-square, the station itself will most likely coincide with events as traumatic as those of the last few days since during that period in June the Sun will anchor the grand cross along with the Moon in Cancer.  That’s not until June though, an expanse of time which no doubt vastly exceeds your attention span.  Try to remember to clench those cheeks tightly.

For those of you wondering when things are going to calm down again, the answer is never.  NEVER.  My ascendant has been in the shower scrubbing itself for six hours while weeping and asking to wear ‘her good-girl leash’.  If you haven’t realized it already, there is no going back now.

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Prophecies of the Doom Fairy, pt. III

Astrology for Whore and Hustlers

( 5:45 pm, March 6^th, 2011)

Now that Venus has moved into Aquarius and heads towards her trine with Saturn and the Moon has gotten through Pisces some of you have most likely found the inspiration to get up off the couch, put down the mixing bowl full of chocolate-chip cookie dough and do something.  Others however are lost in their haze of refined sugar, alcohol and fat and stand at risk perhaps of missing out on the tremendous growth possible beneath our Jupiter ruled skies.  To these latter I say; STOP EATING THE CHOCOLATE-CHIP COOKIE DOUGH, YO.  THAT SHIT IS FUCKIN’ GROSS.  At least masturbate or something.

If your still recovering from gun wounds received during last month’s all Saturn gang-bang extravaganza then please, disregard the first paragraph of this entry. 

While it is true that the whole of this March will not be negotiable without varying degrees of intoxication and sexual indiscretion this is not to be misconstrued with a free-pass to lay in your water-bed until you get sores.  You totally can do that for most of March if want but your pass isn’t free, your ass will get dumped in April.  I am glad to find that for many the increasing pressures of the last couple months terminated in bottles of Jack Daniels and enough weed you could stuff a mattress with it and so are really just to fucking hung-over at this point to go hard.  Saved from your feeble self-control by your complete lack of motivation, it’s the Piscean way.           

The bright clear inspirations of February already begin to tarnish beneath the weight of practical execution, if you have even managed to act yet.  Pisces will happily reward a less-than-Herculean effort, you really don’t have to work that hard for the universe to take notice of you right now but it is your efforts it will notice.  If last month brought legal problems for you prepare to be confronted with them, Venus makes her pass through Aquarius behind the rest of the gang and her trine to Saturn will likely initiate the legal proceedings.  The truly unlucky still sitting in jail will probably get out over the next couple of days while the Moon makes its pass through Aries and transits Jupiter.

As I mentioned in the last Doom Fairy entry, this is also an excellent time to find out who stabbed you in the back last month.  Back-biting, slanderous gossip, complete fabrications slung in the name of character assassinations and unconscionable seductions are pretty much par for the course over the next couple of weeks so you might as well get in on the action.  Be forewarned however that if you’re not careful with your confidences they might catch up with you in April when that chick you slammed while you were dishing with your girlfriends punches you in the tit because it got back to her from her brother’s cousin’s ex-girlfriend. 

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