Monday, March 28, 2011

Prophecies of the Doom Fairy, pt. V

Astrology for Whores and Hustlers

(3:33pm, March 28th, 2011)

Well today is your lucky day.  You sir or madam are one lucky mother-fucker because it’s the Doom Fairy’s birthday and it is so doom-laden that I just have to write about it.  On the day no less!  Tomorrow, Mercury is going to turn retrograde and commence fucking shit up in a truly large way but today the grand ass-hat, shit-disturber of the cosmos will be heard.

Mercury isn’t rushing back to Uranus or Jupiter or even the Sun, Mercury is rushing back to Venus.  Venus is the missing link in everything right now, which is why it’s total chaos.  Venus is literally missing in the 12th house and Mercury will turn and make his way back to close the distance between them.  Right now it all seems arbitrary mainly because up until now everything has been largely arbitrary.  Not a terribly satisfying answer I know, what am I a clown here to amuse you?  Most of the shit happening right now is happening because it simply has to happen on a long enough timeline.  Earthquakes, tidal waves, nuclear meltdowns, civil rebellion and acts of tyranny are all inevitable stages of development in their respective fields.  The only thing truly surprising (to people who don’t follow astrology) is all of this shit going down at the exact same moment in time.

Reasons will emerge over the next few weeks.  Venus will create an aesthetic, which is so much more important to the partially retarded suicidal ape known as man in the shaping of reasoning than say, logic that one wonders why they call it reasoning in the first place.  Heroes will take shape; charismatic leaders will arise out of the civil unrest.  I don’t have much hope for Fukushima; I would not want the job of preventing a nuclear meltdown in a fatally inoperable reactor during a Mercury retrograde this epic.  Collectively we shall take the streets with the rallying cry, RADIATION CLOUDS AND HALF MAD DESPOTS ARE TOTALLY LAME!  Or something like that.  Maybe, I’LL NEVER WIN AMERICNA IDOL WITH THIS CLITORIS ON MY FOREHEAD!  (Or will I?!)  One way or the other, Venus will take all of this impersonal international shit and make it personal.  These things will no longer be happening over there, we all live on this contentious bitch of a planet together and this will become increasingly clear throughout April and early summer.  Collectively, the people will be heard.

Before Mercury can close the distance with Venus he will have to immolate himself in a Sun-Jupiter conjunction that I suspect will be truly momentous.  I have thus far discussed these transits in largely impersonal terms but I would be remiss if I did not point out the potential of this transit to fuck your personal life up hugely.  Car accidents, personal violence, bad tricks, bait and switch, you name it; watch out for it over the next couple of weeks.  The next two weeks want to bring the chaos home to you, the chaos wants to snuggle with you, maybe finger your bum roughly a little, who knows.  Don’t let the chaos make your changes for you, embrace the change and this process can be way less painful (maybe, it will most likely save you the home visit at least.  Unless you really need a rough anal fingering).   Watch your rearview mirror and your big stinking mouth, don’t flash cash in seedy strip bars and don’t take risks.  Solve every problem you have by the end of the day today and you should be just fine.

Doom Fairy out!


  1. Love it dude, awesome. We with natal Mercury retrograde salute you!

  2. Brother this looks to be an interesting one. I have always suspected natal retros deal a bit better then the rest. This will be an excellent test.